friendship feels wrong

I have a friend that I have known for almost ten years now, the last six years we have lived in different cities but kept in touch ( a lot) via e-mail and met several times a year. But somehave I have always been really ambivalent to this relationship as she can be very intense, critical and bragging (due to her low self esteem). Because of the distance it has worked out lately, and by mail we have a nice friendship. But whenever we go out together i feel very overrun, as I tend to be very mellow, and she loves attention she always take over if I am talking to a guy. She doesnt intend to "steal" guys from me or anything like that, she just has to have the attention (she admits she dress up and go out solely for this reason). Most of my present friends, that are a bit more similar to me in temperament cant really handle her because she is a bit "too much" energy-wise. I am an empath and often when we talk on the phone or in life I feel completely frustrated or drained afterwards. She tells me about all the guys that love her and all the attention she gets. Now she is moving to my city, and it freaks me out. I really want to get away from her, not to have her closer. I really wish her well, but I can't handle to have her in my life anymore, and I dont know how to tell her. She thinks we are very close, maybe even best friends. I wish she could find friends more similar to herself. She can be very supportive at times, and I owe her a lot, but I think we are just too different to be this close. I realized something was very wrong when I almost panicked at the thought of living in the same city as her. She has always talked down on this city even, and looked at the one she is living in as much better. She also goes to the places I want to travel, wants to work at my work, goes to courses I want to go to, and uses my art-ideas. But she tells me she loves me a lot and are looking forward to living in the same city and that makes it so hard to break it off. Also she is really afraid of rejection and has lost a lot of friends earlier. I am even considering moving away ( I would like too anyway but this makes it more crucial).Do any of you have any tips? I have been going through my mind too check if I am just envious, but I really cant figure out what the real problem is.

You are indeed a life coach and suicide councellor among other things, Cha-zay! Your advice is full of the wisdom you've learned from so many counselling sessions with your patients.

Nube, for me, the best way to be a friend to someone is to point out to her what is not good about her, so that she will be aware of it and change for the better. Although, you said she admits that she dress up to get attention, you might have encouraged her the past to do that. Sometimes, in our effort to be nice to someone and not hurt their feelings, we inadvertently make them think that we they are doing is right.

We have to be cruel to be kind sometimes, so that someone will see what are the negative impacts they have to others and can adjust themselves accordingly. Talk to her in a loving way, don't be harsh and just leave her alone because she will not understand why suddenly you don't want her in your life too.

There is a reason why she wants to be near you inspite of not liking the city where you're living now. To grow, we have to outgrow ourselves to be able to help others.

Sometimes we outgrow friends and a friendship comes to an end, usually this just kind of happend naturally other times we end up in a situation like you are in, and as ChaZay says, it is quite a normal situation and happens more often then you think. We have created this situation for us self, by being too kind or being kind for the wrong reasons. Friendships or any relationships are about being honest in a nice and compassionate way. Many people thinks compassion is about not hurting the other person's feelings, which is correct if this is the intention behind what you say or do, but if your intension is to show in respect where your boundaries is then it is compassion.

I see a learning here for you and that is to figure out where your boundaries actually are as your story could indicate that you in general have a hard time with people crossing your boundaries (I also said something about this in your post empath). Set your boundaries and be honest to your self about them, so that you can stand your ground when people overstep them - this can be done in a nice and respectful manner. This is just as much about learning yourself as being compassionate toward someone else.

It all starts from you, you can change the situation.

Hugs Daya

Thanks! I have hinted to her that some people might be overwhelmed by what she does and why she needs so much attention but at least at that time (last summer) she thought it was cool to be like that and didnt consider that a problem. But you are right, I should tell her from my perspective, as that problably means more to her. Do you think it is okay if I do it in writing? She is on a world travel now, until june, when she comes here, and I dont want to upset her, but maybe I can write it more subtle and talk to her about it this summer? She will understand if I talk about draining my energy etc since she is very into that sort of thing. I have noticed our mailing is (and maybe always has been) somewhere we can just put out a lot of thoughts and feelings, almost like a mutual diary, but not really communication in way. I have done this myself as well of course, but I think I should point it out now. There is a real difference between our mail-exhange and that of others. Also I dont want it to sound like I have been thinking about this for ages without talking to her about it.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and the people in it lately, and maybe I can tell her in my mail, that our friendship doesnt need to end, but at least it needs to transform. hmmm,

thanks to you guys I wrote her how I feel now, and I tried to put it nicely. She really wants to hear my thoughts about these matters, but I havent been able to really express them before, and i havent been sure what they are exactly. But then my boyfriend pointed it out when he asked whether we really are rivals or friends.
Hope this will be a refreshing of the friendship and hopefully it will take a turn in a more mature and genuine direction. Or if it is not meant to, fade. Either way, thank you

Speak your heart Nube, once she notices that you open up to her it gives her the confidence to open up to you. I have a friend who is much like yours, she has low self-esteem, not many friends and in spite of me telling her she looks beautiful without make-up and such, she still dresses for the attention.

All she is looking for is someone that understands her. You already said your mail-exchanges are different from others, use that for yourself and for her. There is no need for you to break the friendship, for friendships often grow after times of hardships.

The reason you are "stressing" out because of her is because you are not feeling 100% at the moment because the energy is draining. I do not know how often the two of you mail but if it are on fixed moments, try to release that fixed moment. Write her when you feel like writing her.

What I have told my friend is that she is still looking for something, she already has. She just looks in the wrong direction or does not have the courage to follow it but I have confidence in her. As you should have confidence in your friend. That is why we call them friends .

Good one nube! Transform..beautiful word

I always believe that there are reasons why we have this type of friends and not friends that walk the way we walk, talk the way we talk. Everyone we've met is a teacher. They teaches us lessons through their acts, their words and energies. Our job is to learn the lesson given by them. So when everyone become our teachers, we become their teachers too.

She's obviously trying to learn from you by being you. Not a good idea for anyone to be other people but she doesn't know this...if you could stay patience and wait till she falls 'in love' with herself, the whole energy things will be turning the other way rounds. So maybe, instead of feeling she's following you steps, change the perception by thinking that she's admiring you. You get to lead, she will follow.

There's always opportunities to show love and it best show in the moments you hate the most. The moments doesn't have to be her physically present in front of you. Right now, even when you thinking about it and you dislike it, you can starting giving love to yourself first, then to her. Simple prayers can help you give love and overcome the energy you don't like.

It's an honor when she claimed you as her best friend. You don't have to like it but you can return her honor by loving the friendship with patience and honesty. What you don't like something, you can say it to her nicely and politely. If she can take it, she will respect you more. If she cannot take it and leave you, perhaps you can consider that it is time your wish come true.

Right timing will come. If you still feel she's there, it means one thing: the lesson have not yet complete. The lesson for her to learn and the lesson for you to learn.

Give love to yourself and her by showing your patience, honesty, courtesy and forgiveness. Try not to bother so much about when she will be leaving you because she will walk away and pursuing another lessons for herself and for others when the time is right.

I hope you have your peace in your heart

Good answer ladyroses-very thoughtprovoking. I have thought about the importance of being honest, hope she doesnt take it badly. I think I have always thought she just needed time to get over this intensity, but now it has been so many years I guess I should point out a few points (especially since I know she scares other people away too). Maybe my lesson is to learn to confront people ( I have been working on that the last half year) and let them know what I need/dont need from them. I am glad I found this forum, always nice to ventilate the thoughts to strangers, and I really appreciate your perspectives

As you said, the e-mailing was not the best idea, because she was in a bad place right now, but we sorted it out. All in all this has made me realize how much I actually appreciate her,so maybe it was more about that? I guess all relationships needs some re-evalutation after 10 years. Also I am looking forward to talking to her face to face this summer. I feel a lot more clear about this issue now, and also less stressed about bringing it up when it bothers me. I feel more empowered about the whole issue. SO thanks for all your wonderful advice !

Agree with Cha~zay. I'm glad that you can see things clearer now