The 7 Highly Effective Habits of Chronically SINGLE Women

Note: This is a 'tongue-in-cheek' article attempting to get across some profound truths that we see every day in our lives. It is stuffed with plenty of cynicism. You are encouraged to laugh and cry and nod in agreement or throw a tantrum in disagreement. Whatever helps you float your boat.

Have you been chronically single or have you been attracting the wrong type of guy into your life one too many times?

Then perhaps you have been falling victim to one of these thinking processes:

1. I’m just not good enough, beautiful enough, wealthy enough, slim enough, fill-in-the-blanks (not enough!)
2. He’s just not good enough, handsome enough, wealthy enough, buff enough, fill-in-the-blanks (not enough!)

Being single comes with amazing perks. But if you're wondering why you're still single, perhaps you've been following this easy 7-step process:

#1: Practice Emasculation – It is very simple to emasculate a guy. Here are instructions: Simple things like giving him the evil eye, talking back, knowing better, always being right, holding grudges and blaming him for everything, never being satisfied, not saying 'thank you' and not appreciating him should get rid of him pretty easily. If ever you should be so unlucky to have a wonderful guy enter your life the fastest way to get rid of him is to take over leadership and put on the pants in the relationship. Make sure you tell him that you’re an independent woman and you certainly don’t need a guy to hold the door or make life easier for you. In fact, tell him that you can do everything a guy can do and then some. If that's not enough you can always fake a headache and use sex as a weapon. That ought to chop his balls right off. This type of behavior will emasculate him fairly quickly and he should leave your life or cheat on you in no time. Then of course you are proven right again and you can say “I knew it was too good to be true.”

#2: Be Someone Else – Make sure you continue reading lots of books that tell you how incapable and defective you are and how you should act differently in order to catch a man. Learn everything about how to fake orgasm and how to lie to him to make yourself look better. After all, the real you might actually not only frighten you, but it would certainly scare the crap out of any potential man wanting to be with you. And of course, you can’t have that, so it’s imperative that you continue being someone other than you. The tabloids are filled with awesome advice on how to stay fake. You may start by getting fake boobs, a face lift or two, lipo suction, and the works. The way you naturally look is after all unappealing to any man.

#3: Continue the Drama – The best way to keep a man away and assure that you stay single is to hold on really tight to drama in your life. Any kind of drama: drama from your past, your girlfriends’ drama, drama on TV or the Internet. And if this type of drama won't keep him away then just create some unnecessary drama; maybe you can start a false rumor about someone or tell someone's secret and let it blow up in everyone's face - any drama will do as long as you blow everything out of proportion and make a big deal out of everything. If ever a man has done something he shouldn’t have, make sure you bring it up as often as possible, rub it in his nose and let him know over and over again that he’s a screw up.

#4: Indulge in Negative Self Talk – By no means listen to any of the messengers who are helping you think more positively – they’re all about manifesting the good life, about letting go of old hurt and pain and taking personal responsibility. But that would defy points 1-3 on how to stay single! Oh my, that is not what you want at all, so make sure you continue telling yourself how unlovable you are, how ugly you feel, what a failure you've been and how there are no good guys left and how you’ll end up alone and a pennyless bag lady. Remember, you know best and you’re right always.

#5: Be the Victim – Heaven forbid you would practice forgiveness after everything your parents and past lovers did to you! After all this hurt and pain forgiving them would mean that what they did wasn’t all that bad when in reality they’re the ones responsible for your miserable life. Pointing the finger and blame shifting is much easier than taking personal responsibility and doing some internal work. So be sure to mention to any new guy you meet that you hope he's not such a loser as the last guy. That ought to keep the relationship really short lived.

#6: Demand, Demand, Demand – It’s imperative that you know that you are a goddess if ever you do find yourself in a temporary relationship. Your first job is to establish that you are a queen and you demand to be treated in such a way. Make your demands clear that it’s his job to take care of you and be a provider in every way and that you should not have to do anything in the relationship other than spend his money (on you of course). Heaven forbid he asks you to go to counseling or asks you to apologize for something you said or did. It’s all his problem like it was everyone else’s right? So make sure you never apologize (because you’re never wrong); just focus on demanding his blood and sweat and by all means never show appreciation or gratitude for anything he does (he owes you, remember?).

#7: Practice Lack of Self Care – The worst thing you could do for yourself is practice self care. By all means stay away from personal self growth exercises. Stay away from the gym. Going to a gym and exercising might actually give you self confidence and the strength to feel good about yourself. And by all means do not display your true feminine essence, which is the power from within. The power you want to practice is the one that competes with men in the workplace and at home of course. So make sure you chop off your hair, it’s easier to take care of short hair anyway. Do not wear feminine smelling lotions or sparkles on your skin that show how much you might love your body. Since you’re really hating yourself it’s important that you show the world how unhappy you are, and the best way is to probably eat a lot of junk food and sweets. And by all means don’t ever do anything alone. After all, going on a walk or a hike or going to the movies alone is not everyone's cup of tea.

Bonus Tip – And my last advice, never smile at any man, ever. He might think you’re hitting on him!

Ladies, let's get it together! I hope you know that I'm not giving you advice on how to chase away men. I'm hoping you may recognize some of your own self-destructive patterns and are able to embrace the wonderful, magnificent woman you are. The men in your life will thank you and love you for it!